Becoming Your First Client: The Grief Work of Composting Past Selves and Desires
For the Worldbuilders Ep. 064
Dear Worldbuilder,
I chose the path of tech and software engineering out of creative curiosity, yes. But on some level, if I’m being real, I also chose it because it would, perhaps, make my parent’s sacrifices mean something. It was impressive, it was something they could brag about on Facebook. Right?
There was a time my inner child connected being impressive with worthiness. She connected being small with love-ability. She connected following orders with freedom from punishment. She connected suppressing desire with survival.
Moving beyond survival, my creative practice prompted me to ask:
Who, who, who are you without the constant striving?
Where will you get your food if it’s not at the table of external validation? What truly nourishes you?
Will you allow yourself to believe dreams for your life that aren’t rooted in capitalist values and colonial order are safe to desire?
I couldn’t anticipate the ways my creative practice would not only heal my inner child, but allow me to do the grief work of composting past selves and desires rooted in fear.
I couldn’t anticipate the ways my creative practice would invite me to write a new story, a new self, a new character, a new world rooted love.
In this episode we explore the ways our creative practice invites us to make new connections. Because inside the erotic as power, we find our fear based connections can’t hold for long.
Tune into the 64th episode “Becoming Your First Client: The Grief Work of Composting Past Selves and Desires” on the podcast For the Worldbuilders via Spotify or Apple Podcast.
Shapeshifting into whoever those in power needed us to be might have been a necessary strategy in childhood or early adulthood, inside this episode we release this strategy and cultivate ones in alignment with the desires of our authentic selves.
So be it, see to it, breathe through it,
Ayana