Soft, Where? is a weekly podcast and oral journal where I reflect on finding softness inside of software engineering. I invite you to reflect on the questions at the end of each episode in the comments or via email. Below you can find a loose outline and essay version of the episode to read while you listen or share screenshots of on social media.
I also invite you to open this episode in apple podcasts or your preferred podcast streaming service. This makes it easy to take a screenshot and share it with friends, it also creates a private feed that is automatically updated when a new episode is released.
ALSO LOL at me saying all you need is to record a Zoom room meeting to make a podcast then me having spotty internet and glitchy audio at the end. The hubris! The arrogance! The comedy! Please extend grace y’all and I hope you enjoy. <3
Introduction
Hopefully this podcast episode will serve as a personal reminder to trust the timing in all things.
I’m currently in this business coaching program and one of the things they had us do is a check-in on our personal story and the stories we’re telling ourselves. This exercise is meant to emphasize we can CHOOSE the story we tell.
Because this is a business coaching program and not a life or spiritual coaching program they had us reflect on what was going on in our career or business at a series of checkpoints in the past, present, and the milestones we hope to hit in the future. Based on when I’m completing the assignment, here are the checkpoints and milestones I’m working with:
5 years ago (2017)
3 years ago (2019)
1 year ago (2021)
This year (2022)
1 year from now (end of 2023)
3 years from now (end of 2025)
5 years from now (end of 2027)
5 Years Ago (2017)
In January 2017 I attempted to relocate to New York for the 2nd time. I moved to New York. YAY! But not with enough money or a job to comfortably rent an apartment to support my mental health. Instead I was living in Bedstuy above a dive bar, inside a cluttered smelly apartment, living with a cat and a annoying roommate who didn't clean up after her cat.
In retrospect I’m ultimately thankful for this time because I learned I could move to a new city by myself and figure it out while learning the city lifestyle I did and did not desire.
From January to March 2017 I found a job as a restaurant manager, I was unknowingly incredibly depressed and was fired a few months later
After being fired from my job and having to move back home with my parents, in the spring instead of spending the rest of the year feeling sorry and embarrassed for myself, I doubled down on my dream at the time of becoming a fashion designer and got orders from a couple of my favorite boutiques. One of them being Sincerely, Tommy.
I took a chance and pitched the Brooklyn boutique on May 30th, 2017, on a wholesale partnership with Zaire Studio. I received an email back within minutes from the owner Kai, who wanted a lookbook, linesheet, and terms. My terms were accepted and I proceeded to cut, sew, and produce full size runs for their order from my parents living room and kitchen. I fulfilled the order by June 21st.
I spent the rest of the year working retail part-time at another one of the stores, Redeem to support myself outside of the income from Zaire Studio. (Shout out to Lori who supported and encouraged me during this time)
3 Years Ago (BIG YEAR — 2019)
In 2019, I was inside another dream of mine: Living and working in Brooklyn teaching software engineering full-time. I took the lessons from 2017 and made sure I had a job and stable income before moving this time.
Toughest Moment: Once again living in New York and finding myself in the throws of overwhelming depression and anxiety, which came to a head when I had a sobbing mental breakdown in front of all my co-workers.
Proudest Moment: Organizing a group of women students on campus to voice concerns around harm and abuse in the form of sexual harassment and micro-aggressions to upper management. I gained the trust of the women students on campus and practiced what it might looked like if we cared about the full student, their mental/emotional health and safety, and not just their job outcomes.
During this time I was in a long distance relationship and he had just bought a house in Richmond so I decided to transition to a remote team, sublet my apartment in Brooklyn, and move in with him.
Something I wish I would’ve done differently in this time is address crippling anxiety and depression which left me too overwhelmed to start Seeda School as a side project with the help of stable income and health insurance.
What I learned: I am truly abundant, infinite, powerful, and unstoppable when my needs are met, I am well rested, and cared for. The most important lesson that I learned is unapologetically prioritizing rest, asking for help, and radical self love as essential ingredients to thriving in any capacity.
In October 2019, I purchased my first “asset” — a big girl car with a car note!
Overall: I strengthened my coding skills. I learned how to write curriculum, record and deliver lectures and workshops on code, how to help and empower students to debug and plan coding projects, facilitate in person and online study groups on code and how to design a coding course. I also learned what good management feels and looks like from my manager.
1 Year Ago (2021)
I survived 2020 but ended up resigning from my job in September of 2020 and a 3 month sabbatical turned into a year and 6 months of rest, unraveling, stillness, and healing.
In 2021 I manifested and fulfilled my dream of being a full-time artist with the help of lots of grants, residencies, and fellowships. Still don’t know how I made this work.
I had finally had the courage to fall apart. I ended a relationship and retreated to Dawn, VA to unpack and heal. I devoted myself to nothing but meditation, daily movement through walks and runs, journaling throughout the day, getting lost in books and myself and working through my desire to escape through my art practice.
This was the first time in my life I let myself stop running and start feeling.
Over the summer, I had the courage (I’m not a biotechnologist) to apply to the Ginkgo Creative Residency, and was accepted, awarded $15k and a month long stay in Boston where I met some amazing folks and researched the origin story of Seeda.
I wrote the origin story and cornerstone narrative of my current business and research practice, Seeda School. I built relationships with my creative community through a series of artist residencies and opportunities. I was awarded the Studio Two Residency which gave me free studio space for a year.
Overall: I learned how to write strong grant applications in order to support my curiosity around learning and practicing creative coding, making ceramics, weaving, and printing on the Risograph machine. Most importantly, I learned the power of world-building in 2021 is which is now the core of my practice.
This Year (2022)
It was, December 18th, 2022 at 8:38pm when I completed this activity and as I record this on January 5th, 2023 at 1:32am I am working full-time on building Seeda School and have been for about a month now.
But let’s rewind a bit, I applied to Wherewithal's Project Grant with Seeda School and got it in December 2021! This gave me permission to spend 2022 gradually working up the courage to fully step into the calling of Seeda School through starting my newsletter and podcast in April, building and releasing the syllabus in October and signing on my first two clients in November.
But doubt and fear persisted and I spent many months in the beginning of the year attempting to enroll in the security of a software engineering career. To be clear there is absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing a career in software engineering — I’ve started a whole business helping black women reach this goal — the issue is that wasn’t my path and I’d been dreaming of the vision of Seeda School since 2019. I knew this and began to feel physically ill ignoring the calling.
Due to this period of anxious indecision, money ran out and I had to cobble together a bunch of side gigs to make ends meet. My last gig of the year was as a bartender and it became crystal clear — Seeda School is the only way forward.
By the end of 2022 the newsletter has grown to 300 subscribers with 33 paid.
What I learned: I gained the skill of learning how to write strong and compelling essays, newsletters, and poems. I learned how to record and publish a podcast. I learned how to bar-tend. And lastly, I learned that more powerfully help and support from community is the only way forward.
After courageously sharing my work on social media for two years, Ashara Ekundayo of Ashara Ekundayo Gallery a black feminist curator, found my work, supported my work, and nominated me for a $10k grant and I won! I quit my bartending job a week later on the 28th of November to focus on building Seeda School for 2023.
1 Year From Now (end of 2023)
Thanks to all the practice from 2021, writing grants and proposals to sustain my survival, I’m starting the year with keys to 3 community and co-working spaces I don’t pay to occupy in the city I’m currently based in, Richmond. I’m proud of this network of support I’ve cultivated from a place of release and surrender — a practice of seeking and securing support on the merit of my creative ideas and new found worthiness.
What do I want the rest of this year to look like?
I want to write a book dreaming about a work culture and conditions in tech that center black women’s care and social genius
I want to launch the Seeda School monthly membership community for black women technologists looking to learn software engineering skills through a black feminist lens
This is PHASE 1 (Skill Development) of Seeda School’s 10 year vision of supporting black women at every stage of their software engineering career
To start, I want to develop a series of project build videos that teaches Seeda School students how to build a full-stack project portfolio alongside the freeCodeCamp curriculum
I want to take the necessary steps to invest in my health: Therapy, personal trainer, work with a gut health nutritionist, healthcare, spa days etc.
In the theme of seeking support, I want to hire an administrative assistant and part-time coach to empower the vision
3 years from now (end of 2025)
The book will have been published
My team and I will have built the Seeda School full-stack software engineering curriculum and online code editor
We’ll be well positioned to start working on PHASE 2 where the focus is supporting black women through their software engineering job search through providing algorithms and data structures curriculum, interview prep, and career coaching
On a more personal note I would love have moved to DC, closer to home, friends, and family
5 years from now (end of 2027)
I hope to be working on a 2nd book with a thriving writing practice full of ease, play, and pleasure
Established and strengthening a curriculum that supports black women in software engineering skill development and job search
Home ownership in Prince George’s County MD with a detached garage for an art studio and plenty of land to forest garden would be beautiful
Trust the Timing
Again, the reflection is TRUST THE TIMING. A relationship brought me from Brooklyn to Richmond — the relationship ended and as I transitioned to a family home I realized this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. Sharing a home with my cousin who is like a sister to me, in the woods, on land that has held 4 generations of family, on land that my great-grandfather farmed and my mom, and grandma, and aunts help steward. In a home that we rent from our 88 year old aunt who lives 5 minutes up the road and will feed you after dropping off rent, around the corner from my cousin Kim and footsteps away from my cousin Reggie who lives in the yellow house my great grandfather built. Reggie who came over with a shovel and a flashlight because I called him at 1am one morning because I thought I saw a snake under the dresser.
As I reflect, this is the only place on the entire planet where I can and would want to rent a 3-bedroom house for $350 a month. This is probably the only time in my life where my rent will be $350.
Maybe the romantic relationship that didn’t work out, the relationship that brought me from Brooklyn to Richmond, happened in order to bring me right back to this spot, this land, this house that has quietly and consistently held me through deep seasons of healing and unraveling. This house creating the perfect financial conditions to take the leap, bet on the vision, and throw my full faith into Seeda School.
I will continue to trust the timing. My 5 year projection may look completely different than what I could ever imagine — just like the last 5 years took me down paths I never imagined. The relationships, the growth, the insight, the care created new maps and I’m leaving lots of room to continue to let the road wind.
The Stories We Tell
This “5 Year Reflection and Projection” activity inspired my most recent newsletter: Where are all the black women in tech?
It made me realize how much Seeda School is informed by my story. How much I am informed by my story. How my life and the entire world is shaped by the stories we tell. Historical narratives, justification for domination, weaving narratives that reinforce the status quo, stories of what’s possible and what’s not up for discussion, the list goes on.
Storytelling is a worldbuilding technology. Which stories are you telling? What worlds are you building inside your body and out?
See you next Thursday.
006. 5 Year Reflection and Projection (2017-2027): Multiple New York Moves, Job Transitions, and $350 Rent